The Gingerbread Man’s Last Stand



The Gingerbread Man was happy and light
–  It’d been so long since he’d run for his life
The feeling of peace flowed up from his toes
Out to his gumdrops and his cherry nose


The kitchen was all calm, peaceful and warm
(The kind of quiet that comes ‘fore a storm)
He buttered his bread to smooth out his wrinkles
Then grabbed some shuteye like ol’ Rip Van Winkle


But Ginger was watched by an angry team
Of cookies all made of sugar, flour and mean
They envied his fame, fortune and glory
And each planned an end to his sweet, sweet story


The head of the pack was a sinister punk
A chocolate chip cookie they all called Chunk
A classic cookie who had been upstaged
A fact that filled him with a chocolate-y rage


Then second-in-command was Shugie the Sweet
Who was, at best, just a second-rate treat
She once loved Ginger, but he ran off instead
Leaving Shugie to stew ‘bout wanting him dead


And Old Man Oats disliked anything new
Including this now-famous Ginger dude
Each cookie had his or her half-baked reason
To put a quick end to young Ginger’s season


The cookies sat there and cooked up a plan
To finish off the Gingerbread Man
The idea was not to just knock off their foe
But to do so with one incredible show


As Ginger stayed there still snoozing and dormant
The cookies went fast for this was their moment
Step One required them to get to the fridge
So first they crossed quick over Silverware Bridge


With all of their might they pulled open the door
As a mighty white light spilled out on the floor
Right there on the shelf lay they key to their plan
Their grand scheme to end the Gingerbread Man


The jug of whole milk loomed tall o’er the crew
Of liquid that would bring him a quick doom
They left from the fridge with the bottle in toe
And waddled with glee toward their victim below


Creating a guide with cups and some dishes
They’d funnel the milk in a manner most vicious
Transforming Ginger into a pile of mush
All that remained was a big hearty push


The bottle plopped down just like they had planned on
As the milked slopped and sloshed with wild abandon
It raced down the dishes and picked up speed
A milky white ghost coasting to do its deed


As milk hit his face, Ginger awoke frightful
Before his eyes flashed mistakes, a whole life full
He got up, dodging milk drops, rain and sleet
He knew then he’d have to trust in his feet


The Gingerbread Man ran fast, panicked and scared
But couldn’t stop now, no, he didn’t dare
And as he prepared to leap from the shelf
He kept repeating one thing to himself:

“Run past the sugar! Run past the spice rack!
You can’t stop now, Man, there’s no turning back
You need to run, run as fast as you can
Run for your life, you’re the Gingerbread Man”


He stopped and paused, making one last mistake
As more and more drops splashed right on his face
He gasped, his gummy smile turned upside down
As Chunk laughed, watching it all from high ground

The flowing milk first dissolved all his toes
Then worked up past the gumdrops to his nose
His arms disappeared, and his tummy was bare
While his face twisted like some Dalí nightmare


With a gasp and a gurgle Ginge grew tired
The milk was winning, and he soon expire
The cookie, once uncatchable, was caught
And turned into a sugary, sweet slop


The milk slipped through the kitchen’s cracks and creases
And carried Ginger off to Rest In Pieces
So this meant no more movies, books or folklore
The fabled Gingerbread Man was no more


The cookies came together to celebrate
They’d beaten their foe, they deserved a break
But as the trio sang, giggled and danced
The gingered milk slid toward an army of ants


The ants were driven mad by the sweet syrup
And by the Gingerbread Man’s vengeful spirit
On to the kitchen the ants marched and advanced
The cookies unaware they danced their last dance


The ants came hungry for the three of them
And tore them apart crumb by crumb, limb from limb


Chunk stood his ground but the ants came in waves
And soon he fell to his own gruesome grave


We’re now at the end of this tasteless, dark tale
Of three bland cookies who’d turned evil and stale
So to keep your treats well-behaved and in line
Be sure to eat them at least three at a time.

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